Sunday, July 11, 2010

A new game show where everybody loses!

The offseason is boring for everybody. For fans, this means discussing depth charts and debating expansion scenarios. For players, this means finding trouble in new and eventful ways. And this was an unusually eventful week; in fact, it was so eventful that it's time for our first-ever episode of "Who Wants to be Arrested in a Ridiculous/Stupid Way?"

Contestant #1: Behind our first curtain is ... well, several guys, and they're all wearing orange. Two Tennessee players were arrested and several others were questioned after a fight at a Knoxville bar ended with an off-duty cop being beaten and lying unconscious on the ground outside. Some of the players were underage, including five-star freshman receiver Da'Rick Rogers. The fallout: Starting safety Darren Myles Jr. (one of the two guys arrested) has been kicked off the team and starting defensive tackle Marlon Walls and starting linebacker Greg King have been suspended indefinitely. Rogers was the other play arrested, but there's been no word yet on his punishment (Tennessee's investigation is still ongoing). If you're wondering why Myles got the boot, here you go:

An affidavit regarding Myles' arrest stated that a university officer identified himself to Myles at Bar Knoxville, after which Myles fled on foot. When the officer caught up to Myles and attempted to place him into custody, Myles broke free from the officer's grip and struck him in the face. Myles was later taken into custody by the Knoxville Police Department, which turned him over to university police.

And there's this:

This is the second time Myles has been in trouble. A projected starter this coming season, Myles was charged April 18 with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and public intoxication following an incident at another nightspot near campus. Dooley handled Myles' punishment for that arrest internally, though that criminal case is still pending.

Sounds like a guy with his head on straight, yes? Stupidity rating (on a scale of 1-10): Myles and Rogers each get a 10 and everybody else gets an 8; we'll call it a collective 9.

Contestant #2: We have another team effort, this time from a couple Georgia players who managed to do all their damage (literally) from the comfortable confines of a Chevy Avalanche. Backup running back Dontavius Jackson and starting receiver Tavarres King, both redshirt sophomores, were arrested and Jackson was charged with a whopping six crimes for some serious shenanigans:

Jackson was driving a Chevrolet Avalanche that belonged to King when officers noticed he did not move over for a separate police stop on the road and was traveling at a high rate of speed, university police chief Jimmy Williamson said. Two police vehicles were at that stop and one left to pull over the Avalanche at about 3 a.m.

Police had received a report that a vehicle had been struck earlier by an Avalanche, and the driver of the car that was hit identified a tag number and described some of the occupants.

"That just happened to be the car that our officer was behind, and he pulled them over."
So you've just been involved in a hit-and-run. You're approaching several police cars along the side of the road. Do you:

(a) Reduce your speed to something below the speed limit
(b) Move over to avoid being noticed
(c) Both of the above
(d) Don't move over or slow down, guaranteeing that you'll attract attention

Oh, and both had been drinking; neither is 21. We might have a winner! No official punishment has been announced yet, but Georgia's athletic department policy requires a minimum one-game suspension for any alcohol-related incident (and they probably won't get a slap on the wrist after Georgia athletic director Damon Evans just had to resign due to his own DUI scandal last week). Stupidity rating: 9.

Contestant #3: Our third contestant is a large gentleman -- about 6-foot-2, 260 pounds -- who's a returning starter at Iowa and enjoys drinking. And driving. At the same time.

Iowa defensive end Broderick Binns was arrested early Friday and charged with drunken driving.

A police report said Binns was pulled over near campus by University Heights police for traffic violations. The report said Binns had watery eyes, smelled of alcohol and showed impaired speech and balance.

Well at least he didn't try to hide it, right?

Police said the 20-year-old Binns initially denied drinking. He later acknowledged having several drinks and failed a preliminary breath test.

Ummm ... yeah. The original report also said Binns had a club wristband on that listed his age as 21. Unfortunately for him, police officers are capable of reading a driver's license and quickly realized that he's only 20. Oops. "Some form of suspension" now awaits, according to Kirk Ferentz. Stupidity rating: 7.5.

Contestant #4: We actually have a second contestant from Georgia (better keep your eyes on these kids, Mark Richt). But ladies, if you're looking for a rebel, you might want to skip over redshirt freshman cornerback Jordan Love and his not-so-intimidating rap sheet:

Love was arrested late Monday night after police responded to a complaint about three individuals shooting off fireworks near a campus dormitory. According to University of Georgia police chief Jimmy Williamson, the responding officer arrested Love after he refused multiple requests to provide his middle name before relenting.

Wait ... what??? I assume he was being a smart-ass, probably offering a bunch of profanities in place of his middle name or telling the officer to do something to a body part that shall not be mentioned, right?

Police presented Judge Charles Auslander with what they considered extenuating circumstances after Williamson spoke with Love's family Tuesday. Love does not use his middle name, Lawrence, as he was named for someone with whom the family no longer associates, Williamson said.

This brings me to a little segment I like to call "Really!?! With Seth & Amy."

If I ever make it to Athens, I'll be secure in knowing that the police are out there enforcing every Civil War-era law to the fullest, especially ones like "no spitting in public," "ties required at all times" and "middle names must always be provided to law enforcement officers."

Ridiculousness rating (on a scale of 1-10): 463.

And with that, I believe Jordan Love has established a Ken Jennings-esque record that might never be topped. We have our winner.

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